The JUJU Reviews

 I started doing these reviews after the first Onslaught. "Johnny JUJU" is a ficticious character that my son and i invented about 15 years ago, he usually got the blame for anything we didn't wanna own up to. This just started as a pisstake but i couldn't believe how many people took it seriously. A couple of guys were riled up enough to approach me at the second Onslaught and ask me who the fuck that cunt was and was he at this fucken gig? Hahahahaha. I resolved not to admit it was me unless i was directly asked. Some people twigged straight away, i mean, noone could possibly be that much of an arsehole could they? After a while i kinda felt bad, so didn't write one for Onslaught 5, when really i should've just stayed true to myself. Then i decided to come out about it and some people who had previously loathed "the JUJU cunt", suddenly saw the humour in his approach, and i've continued with his disgruntled reviews. Of all the writing i do, these pieces are my personal favourites. Here's the first three.




Onslaught #1, Arc Cafe, 27-9-08


For a start i only went to this gig because there was fuck all else to do.
Got to the venue just after nine and straight away thought: what a
shithole. The place was already full of wankers too. And $6 to get in!!
Capitalist cunts.
The first band was Bazooka and i thought they were tryhard tuneless
peasants that couldn't hold a note if it was nailed to their hands. I could
taste the bile in my throat but swallowed it back down cos the bitter
acidity was like sweet nectar compared to hearing these fucken homo
white trash wannabes. Fucken appalling.
The second round of torture was called Skullduggery and i
still can't decide whether they were acually a band or not. For a while
i thought it was monday morning and i kept hitting the snooze button on
my alarm clock, cos just when i settled into some silence it was
shattered by an abrasive irritating whine. These fucken mud monkeys
should slither back to the swamp they were spat from. Fucken terrible.
The less said about Conniption the better. They turned my growing headache
into a pounding migraine. What the fuck are these cunts on? I certainly
don't want any of it. The sound of my leg breaking would be more
comfortable. In future these ass sucking maggot whores should stay
outside the moat where they belong. Fucken disgraceful.
Gripper! How exciting. A bit like shitting out a pumpkin when you're
constipated. And then eating it. Sounding like a cross between a
dentist drill and a hundred babies screaming simultaneously, they
almost had me reaching for the razor blades, the fucken gay black
bastards. Fucken excruciating.
Smashed And Loud, huh! How about we just smash their faces in
with an extremely loud jackhammer. These junkie jamrag jews should
do something useful for a change, like burying themselves alive. Fucken
diabolical.
And finally, The Clips, a trio of six toed inbred rabie ridden dogs that
should do us all a favour and fuck off even further south, like the
Auckland Islands. They brought me to a climax of revulsion that could
only be surpassed by eating dogshit for sunday breakfast. Fucken painful.
If all these gay homo black cunt faggot trash try and pass themselves
off as bands again, or even humans, then the best i can offer them is
a one way ticket to the local cemetery to do the drawback on the
stagnant stench of a cold cadavars rotting ringpiece.



Onslaught#2, Arc Cafe, 7-3-09

"A mixture of total boredom and morbid curiousity got me to this gig. I just
wanted to see if these clowns had made any improvement since the last time
they bored the fuck out of me. I felt crook for days after being subjected to
their apalling nonsense, but thought it'd be OK this time, i mean it definitely
couldn't get any worse. But sure enough, i was wrong. These fucken
half-witted dead dog defilers wouldn't know a good time if it carved a chunk
of flesh out of their face! As far as the eye could see, there was a sea of scum,
a shower of shit, a tsunami of stench. Black clad posers trying to be all liberal
and open minded by mixing freely with all the wogs and fags and other such filth.
These "Onslaught" gatherings are like a Cherry Farm Reunion; lots of drongo drugs
and drooling dropkick deadbeats. They sure come out of the woodwork when
they know theres gonna be heaps of other mental cunts there, safety in numbers.
I felt like Einstein at an IHC party.
They charged me eight dollars to get in. Eight dollars!! I can't even begin to challenge
this outrage, i'm still in shock.
Once again the Bazooka bullshit brigade played first, and once again they were
fucken atrocious. These cunts are symbolic of the breakdown in the mental health
system, releasing all the headcases into a society that doesn't want them. I'd rather
keep them locked in a cage, i mean what are we, their fucken surrogate caregivers?
An unsurprisingly appalling start to the music.
Next up were Smashed And Loud who seem to keep wanting to change their name
which is understandable, who the fuck would go and see these wankers for a second
time? Didn't they take my last advice about burying themselves alive? I'd happily dig
the fucken hole. Obviously using a shovel is way above the intelligence level of these
fucken homo freaks. Think filthy rodent, think extermination.
And on it went to some classic Christchurch crap from Lunger, a bunch of old men
who'd be better suited to wasting away in a geriatric home full of perverts and
half-dead nobodies. An even better option, how about we all "Lunge" at them with
well sharpened pitchforks, fill'em full of holes. I'm not a violent man, but these bitches
loaded my brain with images of machetes and knives and metal bars being brandished
with wanton glee. Fuck off back to smog-city you slime-soaked scum.
And then Gripper. Yeah, i was "Gripped" alright, by waves of uncontrollable nausea
and revulsion and urges to spray shit all over the nearest bog. Who needs laxatives
when you only need to hear these fuckwits? Who needs a bog when it'd be more
satisfying to shit on these cunts? It just defiesrational belief that "People" like this are
allowed to roam freely in the community when they couldn't even be relied on to
sweep out a fucken gutter, unless you told them you'd thrown an old butt in there.
Fucken freeloading filth.
Black Forest should change their name to Black Useless Cunts cos they wouldn't have
two braincells to rub together, between them. Go ahead and pretend you can play but
don't bother subjecting us to your childish plink plonk plunk bullshit, you fucken
double-yolk eggs. It sounded worse than a kids xylophone with a few keys missing.
Learn to string a sentence together before showing your ugly pus-ridden whore faces
in public, you pathetic plebs.
And finally those swamp maggots Skullduggery. A characteristic pathetic performance
from these metalhead mongols. I'd rather slowly feed my arm intoa garbage disposal
than witness shit like this again. An appropriate finale of retard rubbish. Things can't
get any worse? They sure as fuck did when these no-friend knuckleheads hit the stage.
Fucken oxygen thieves.
And so it went, a total waste of time, money and energy. Extermination is a bit belated
for fuckheads like these, it should've started with their inbred deformed ancestors.
My advice? Stay the fuck away from the next "Onslaught". A rusty nail in the armpit
would be more bearable."


Onslaught#3, Captain Cook Tavern, 2-5-09

This i had to see. All the Onslaught peasants mixing with the student scum, a stirring pot
of the slimiest filth you could ever imagine. Two worlds collide. Both of them fucked in the
fucken head. And at The Cook! The foulest pub in the foulest area of the foulest city. A night
to fucken remember alright. Excitement plus.
First up were a couple of women from down south spouting off some acoustic bullshit that sounded
worse than bob dylan being disembowelled, all screech screech fucken screech. Calling themselves
The Sallys, i thought they'd be better named The Sewage, cos thats where they should be, taking
a long swim in a bubbling froth of gunge. Thats right, another pile of shit beginning to the gig.
And then Bazooka. I fucken detest them, simple as that.
I'd heard about Foe before. I'd heard they were crap. But it was worse than that, much worse.
Was this for real or was it a dumb joke to try and fool some of those homo student cunts? A
joke that noone gets. Imbecile porch monkey wankers.
Another Invercargill band, another disgrace. Psycho 78, a Misfits covers band. I fucken hate
The Misfits, a bunch of pretty boy facepaint freaks all jacked up on steriods, so theres no
way I'm going to enjoy a bunch of drunken inbred southern scum trying to imitate them by
sucking each others dicks. Didn't have a tune or a beat between them, the fucken ass-whores.
Everytime i pass through Waihola its all fogged out and dull, a fucken hole. And thats why
Skullduggery look like cross-eyed savages trying to find an old maggot infested bone to chew
on, bullshitting their way into the gig so they can jump on any table leftovers and ashtray
sludge. Stick to the soup kitchen you scavenging jews. Maybe you could learn how to whistle.
And to finish, Special Neadz from Oamaru, a revolting little coastal town formed when two
busloads of mental patients crashed and started breeding, spawning fucked up garbage like these
useless cunts. Stick to bumming each other in private you fucken gay homo faggots. Having my
fingernails ripped out one by one would be much more soothing and gratifying than putting up
with this ridiculous rubbish again. A total fucken disgrace.
Going to these Onslaught gigs makes me feel better about myself, knowing that i'm far superior
to any of the scum in attendance, with a higher IQ than all of them put together. Why not pack
them all into a small room and spray a healthy mix of Ebola and Swine Flu in there. Aids won't
cut the mustard cos these fags have obviously grown immune after fucking each other up the ass
for so long. Fucken herpe-ridden charity whores.
Another Onslaught, another total fucken waste of time. Fuck off.